My Camino: Day 19 – Love and Dirty Laundry

For the most part, I like walking by myself. It’s not that I don’t want to meet people – I love meeting people and sharing our stories, it’s that when I walk with others I feel compelled to walk at their speed, and I’m not in that big of a hurry – or that slow.

Also if you want to walk with someone you have to absorb their needs and wants, their schedule becomes yours; you have to stop and eat, have a coffee, take your shoes off, take your socks off, rub your feet, go to the bathroom, wait for them to go to the bathroom, wait for them to buy souvenirs, wait for them to chat with fellow travelers – sometimes I just wanna be like Forrest Gump and go for a walk.

And so I walked…..”For no particular reason I just kept on going.”

So I’ve found myself alone – a lot. But, and here’s the surprising thing – I’m never alone walking the Camino de Santiago.

It’s been almost three weeks since I started my Spanish Schlep and I have not been lonely at all. We pilgrims -for the most part- act as one.

We all seem to hit the road around the same time (7:30AM), drink our first coffees at the same time (10:30AM), lunch (12:00), and roll into our designated village together (2:30PM).

Then we all fall into the same pattern, check in to our hotels or alburgues, do our laundry, take a nap, shop for fruits or supplies fur the next day, go to a bar or cafe for a drink or snack and then rest until dinner.

That’s the toughest part of my day – waiting for dinner!

Spaniards eat really, really late and they’ll be damned if they’re going to change their lifestyles for us pilgrims- even if we are the lifeblood of their economy.

I think it’s Spain’s biggest fuck yous to its visitors.

But walking alone affords me the opportunity to come in and out of people’s lives while we march some 500 miles across Spain.

Like today.

Two young Italian girls were chattering and all I could hear was “Vodka” and “Cointreau” – obviously they were talking about the drink that fueled “Sex in the City” or is now fueling “Sex on the Camino.”

Ten minutes later a Spanish couple was screaming at each other – I couldn’t decipher a single word so I’m guessing they were either arguing over how long they’ve marched or how “Lost” ended.

I love watching the evolution of budding romances on the road and far I’ve zeroed in on three:

One-Boy from Sicily who sweet on girl from Romania. They’re quite amorous and take their PDA (public displays of affection) to a whole new level.

Two-Boy from Mexico who has a girlfriend back home but has fallen hard for girl from Argentina. You can see these two are mad for each other – they’re inseparable, but I think he’s holding back. My money’s on The Way, though, I think he’s going give in which is great, cuz I can’t bare thinking of him saying to her at the end, “Don’t cry for me, Argentina.” (Oh c’mon, it was right there – you knew I had to go there!!)

Three-Boomer Love. I’ve been watching these two retired pilgrims getting more and more serious. She’s American (New England) he’s from Vancouver. At first they were part of a gang, but now, they’re spending more and more time alone – resting, walking just the two of them, and then the trail telltale – how he helps her in and out of her chairs when it’s mealtime. Guys (even those nice Canadians) only act all gallant when they’re hoping to get some. These two are more shy, more awkward, more tentative than the younger lovebirds – but their feelings are just as real and evident.

There are no secrets when you walk the Camino with your “tribe” day after day – we all hear and see everything – be it your laundry hanging out to dry ON your backpack or your heart out on your sleeve.

Here are my stats

11.1 Miles Marched Today – Hey its Sunday, Day of Rest!

(Mansilla de las Mulas – Leon)

292.08 Miles Traveled So Far

213.8 Miles Left To Go

505.8 Total Miles to walk from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain

Tomorrow – Rest Day in Leon

Advertisements

My Camino: Day 18 – Where’s My Ovation

I’ll be honest with you – not all the Spaniards love us pilgrims – and with good reason.

We stink – like, all of us stink – even those of us who have heard of and use deodorant.

We’re irritable – we storm into these remote villages, head straight to the bars to use the toilets, do our business, and then demand from the bartenders food and drink like “give it to me the fuck now – I’m starving.”

And then we’re off to the next village. It’s probably safe to say that’s the way it’s been in ” The Way” to Santiago de Compostella fir centuries.

But every once in a while you meet a hotel, bar or B’nB owner who actually loves their jobs and likes us pilgrims.

I pulled into Calzadilla de los Hermanillos completely dejected. I had tried to walk the 11 miles from the previous town, but could only manage seven. My blisters were causing me too much pain – and – I was carrying my 14lb backpack- it was too much, so I took a taxi to my hotel.

There, an angel named Hema, took pity on me and treated me like royalty. She washed my clothes, brought me lunch and TWO wines, she booked my next hotel for me, and she took all my baggage to my room.

After a hot bath and nap I joined my fellow pilgrims for dinner. Hema’s husband cooked us a fabulous feast – soups, homemade bread, local cheeses, fresh salads, pork cooked two different ways, roast chicken, vegetables, potatoes, red and white wine, and for dessert- four different types of homemade desserts.

It was a feast to end all feasts. When he came out of the kitchen we pilgrims gave him a standing ovation.

But where was Hema’s ovation? This woman runs the roost, cleaning the rooms, the toilets, running the hotel’s administration, doing her family’s and we pilgrims laundry, getting us sandwiches for the next day and so on and so on.

Hema doesn’t want an ovation- but we pilgrims do!

The mood on the Camino de Santiago has definitely changed now that we’re almost done with this soul-crushing walk through the Meseta.

It’s been six days of endless fields, with very little to look at, little shade, a few spartan villages, and treading on fucking Roman Roads. Yeah, yeah sounds romantic but these “roads” are torturous on your feet – they’re literally miles after miles of fucking rocks. Maybe the ancient Farragamos and Pradas handled these rocks well, but today’s Merrells and Tevas are getting the shit kicked out of them – along with my feet!

This morning it took me four kilometers to remember how to walk – I shit you not! I’m trying so hard to walk gingerly, to protect my feet, that I’ve lost my stride. I sounded and felt like a horse clomping and not the Lipizzaners – more like the Clydesdales.

And I’m not alone.

You can see it in how we pilgrims are struggling to walk. Nearly everyone is doing some sort of limp.

And the bragging rights are up for grabs! I thought I would be Blister Queen of the Camino with my four sores, but nope. Roland from Lebanon has six. Mary from Alaska has seven, and Jorge from Mexico has nine – that’s almost one for every toe!

The only person who isn’t complaining is the “fast guy from Hungary.” This guy is walking in what I call Jesus Sandals and he’s kicking our high-tech, moisture-wicking, Compeed-clad feet and boots. He’s sprinting past us wearing tie-up sandals with barely no soles.

Today’s complaints and march were endless. Even a beautiful sunrise couldn’t lift our spirits. At the end of today’s 11 miles on the Meseta, we ended up in a hellhole town who’s only claim to fame is that it was struck by a meteor in 1947. No hole to be seen!

Few pilgrims seem to be quick with their smiles, most of us are nursing our wounds – and all of us would love a standing ovation for our efforts – but no one has the energy or will to stand – and besides, who said the Camino was going to be easy??!!!

Here are my stats

14.7 Miles Marched Today

(Calzadilla de los Hermanillos – Mansilla de las Mulas)

280.98 Miles Traveled So Far

224.82 Miles Left To Go

505.8 Total Miles to walk from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain

Tomorrow – Leon!

My Camino: Day 17 – I Suck at this Camino Thing

I crossed a major threshold yesterday – literally.

After crossing a medieval bridge over a small brook, I came to the city gates of Sahagun where two huge statues, one of Alphonse VI the Brave (1065-1109)- Promoter and Protector of the Way of St. James and on the other side Bernardo de Seriedad an Abad considered one of the founders of Sahagun stood ready to greet me with the official news – I’ve reached the geographical center of the Camino de Santiago!

In other words- I’ve made it half way …. I was overcome with emotions; exhaustion and exhilaration – and I suddenly realized I’m doing this Camino, this Spanish Schlep, all wrong.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m loving this 500 mile trek from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain, I’ve seen things and experienced things no guide book could ever suggest, no movie could ever capture – but I’m still doing it all wrong.

I realized I’m still an American and not a true pilgrim when I saw the veteran pilgrim, “Thor,” from Norway showing us newbies how to truly enjoy the Camino Frances.

Yesterday I set myself up for a horrendous and Herculean walk – 25 miles from Carrion de los Condes to Sahagun. People thought I was nuts, perhaps I was, but the closest hotel I could find was 25 miles away, so whatchagonnado!? And if truth be told, I really didn’t realize it was that far-everything’s in kilometers and I’m not that great with math.

I knew it would be a challenge, I have not two, but four blisters on my feet – two below my ankles and just for kicks, two new ones the size of peanuts STILL in their flippin’ shells, on my heels. These new one are beauts – they start just above the heel then wrap all the way underneath- every fucking step sends an excruciating searing shot of pain through my legs – so 25 miles will be a piece of cake, right!??

The first part of this stage is a mind numbing 12 mile hike thru the endless fields of the “Meseta” – Spain’s breadbox. The path is a former Roman Road with no and I mean no services! The fields have been harvested so there is nothing to look at – like nada- only the long line of pilgrims in front of me and those behind. No towns, no quaint farm houses, no churches, no Roman ruins – zilch!

At the 8-mile mark -paradise- some guy set up a barbecue stand – but no toilets. I ordered a hard boiled egg, sausage sandwich and a banana. It was better than anything you could order at the 21Club.

Fueled, I marched on to the first town, 12 miles from my starting point. I told my fellow pilgrims I couldn’t stay long, I still had 13 miles to go. They expressed shock and best wishes- the German girl gave me stretching lessons and a magnesium pill, the lady from Paris gave me a chunk of dark chocolate, and Cindy from Dayton shared her dried dates with me.

So off I went. I told myself it was a case of mind over matter.

Until …. until… until….UNTIL….

What the fucking fuck!

I stepped down and the blister on my left heel burst…on impact with the fucking Roman Road. I hate those Romans – haven’t they ever heard of tar??!

ARGH!!!! I yelled out in such pain, I’m sure they heard me as far away as Barcelona- but the two lovebirds walking hand in hand 10 feet in front of me only turned, smiled, and continued walking. Fuckers! I’m dying here, but hey, hope you get laid tonight – don’t let me stop you from your foreign foreplay… Man friggin’ down here – but you kiddos just keep doing what you’re doing… assholes! Who are your mothers, gimme their numbers, I gotta talk to them like now.

Ugh!

Anywhooo, I still had like 10 miles to go and I’m out in the middle of bumsfuckville-ola, so I had no choice, I had to keep moving. So hobble and bobble I walked on… like a drunken toddler just learning to walk, all clumsy-like, with arms and legs going this way and that, and making noises that kind of sound human, but don’t make a lick of sense.

And then I saw him- Thor (not his real name, obs). Thor has done the Camino ten times so he knows a thing or two about blisters and surviving the Camino.

He had set up a picnic for himself; ham, cheese, AND wine in a fucking goblet, and he was actually enjoying the Camino. He asked me where I was off to and when I told him Saragun, he told me I wasn’t pronouncing it correctly! Fuck you Thor I’ve got four fucking blisters!

So there I was on the side of a road getting Spanish lessons from a Norwegian. Like how do I know he knows what he’s talking about – he has an accent and it ain’t Catalonian! After a few attempts and his many corrections, he was finally satisfied with my pronunciation, and bid me farewell – uhhh, without offering to share a glass of his red.

Three hours later, I all but stumbled into my hotel; completely spent, checked in, and took a 45 minute bath. At dinner I met two Californians. She’s doing the Camino her way. He drives her to the pretty spots she wants to do, she walks for an hour or so, then calls it a day, and then they celebrate and have a drink (or six).

I realized the Cali couple and the Norwegian were on to something – they were living “in the moment.” I was too tired to even text my family to let them know I was safe and sound.

Something had to change.

Today I marched up to yet another monastery on the other side of Sahagun, not to look around, but to get my certificate – a beautiful sheet that proclaims to me and the entire world, I’ve completed half of the Camino! I’ve dragged my ass halfway across the holiest of holy trails and I’ve got a fucking piece of paper to prove it!

I got to thinking- I’m working too hard, doing this too fast. So I’m gonna slow the fuck down. I’m not Hercules after all.

So I saw a cab, waved my poles like a lunatic and grabbed it 4 miles to the next town.

It’s noon here and I’m done for the day. A few more miles under my belt, and it’s enough. I’m sitting here in a small town, drinking a Kalimotxo which is, get this coke and red wine TOGETHER, and having tapas. In an hour, I’m going to go have lunch, then a siesta, then more wine, then a snack, then dinner and more wine.

Tomorrow’s walk is a 16 miler through more endless fields with only one town between start and finish, it’ll be tough, but today’s break has me hopeful that, as God is my witness, I’m gonna learn how to do this Camino thing the right way.

Here are my stats

24.48 Miles Marched Today

(Carrion de los Condes –

Sahagun)

257.78 Miles Traveled So Far

248.1 Miles Left To Go

505.8 Total Miles to walk from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain

Tomorrow: Another Day on the “Meseta” – Destination: Calzadilla de los Hermanillos

PS: There was no Day 16 blog, because if you had read this blog, I was zapped, spent, tired, exhausted, too tired to think or type.

My Camino: Day 15-Looking for Signs

I should have known today was going to be very special when the sun came up and put on one of those “once in a lifetime” shows.

The orange ball rose up slowly behind us, forcing all of us crazy pilgrims who are walking on the Camino to Santiago de Compostella to stop, take out our cameras, and start snapping away.

We early birds had rolled out of bed super early in hopes of beating today’s blistering forecasts – but no one was making any time; El Camino was demanding attention, was demanding we slow the fuck down, pause, breathe, and just be in the moment.

And what a moment – from the colors to the mist rising from the canal as the sun was warming up the day.

The entire show lasted maybe 6 minutes, but no one seemed to notice the day’s unforeseen delay.

It was the first sign of what was to be, an incredible day on the Meseta.

The Camino signs are becoming more and more prevalent. The dirt path is lined with not one but two Camino shells pointing the way – road signs are everywhere – I mean Helen Keller couldn’t get lost here.

Until this sign!

Walking through a small clay colored medieval village I was stopped at the cross road confused for a moment about which way to go. I felt like the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. The road sign suggested I could go right or I could go left–uhh too many choices — but then I heard bells and whistles – I chose to go left to see what was causing the noise.

It was a shepherd bringing in to the village his flock.

Foot and road traffic stopped while he brought his sheep into town – another sign to just slow down and enjoy the moment.

Which I did, until I had to walk through all that sheep shit – bet ewe didn’t see that coming did ewe?!

Did ewe!

Around lunchtime I saw a sign for an albergue – a hostel that offers cheap rooms and food. I wasn’t hungry, but I was ready to kill for a Diet Coke.

As I walked in, I felt like I was on a Hollywood set for a new Camino movie – or Dr Doolittle.

There were geese roaming the grounds, young European college kids lazing in hammocks and reading, and then there were the donkeys.

This aggressive pair was stealing food right off the table as young pilgrims tried to eat their picnic in this garden paradise.

They weren’t able to “Shooo” the donkeys away, but the local bag lady came to the rescue!!!

I shit you not – just like any superhero, she arrived out of nowhere, and armed with her day-old bread, she began hitting the donkeys on the head – beating those asses in to submission and away from the startled city slickers.

It was a comedy within a comedy, only made funnier cuz I was laughing so hard I was sure I was going to pee my pants.

Everyone here on The Way seems to be looking for a sign….

There’s Thor the angry guy from Norway – this is his 10th Camino. Yep, he’s done the Full Monty: 500-plus miles from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain, 10 TIMES! When I asked Thor (not his real name, obs) why … he just took a deep, deep drag off his cigarette and slowly exhaled and nodded.

Carl, a very handsome 70+ year-old German from Düsseldorf has walked the walk six times! When I asked him why, he picked up his beer and drank his glass empty.

Another German, young Karl from Cologne is completing his second Camino. He started in his hometown back in May and plans to go to Santiago, then turn south going through Portugal, then back into Spain through Sevilla, on to Gilbraltar to end up in Morocco. Ummmm, why I asked this very healthy, 20-something, he just shrugged adding, “Why not?”

Then there’s Alex, a young screenwriter from LA who is here alone in between gigs and who, it seems has fallen in love with a fellow pilgrim, a Swede.

“No one has ever looked at me the way he does. I mean he really, really looks at me…it’s gotta be a sign or something….,” she said full of joy and hope the way young lovers sound when they’re telling a total stranger about a new romance they found here on the road.

I dunno if it’s a sign, but I told her – you don’t know until you know – so go on to Sweden and see what happens!

And then I got my own sign today – a big ass, stop me in my tracks giant sign.

A road sign with mileage to Santiago almost broke me. It read 463kms to Santiago.

What the fucking fuck?! Surely that’s wrong, surely I’ve walked further than that, I mean I have GUIDEBOOKS and they say I’ve walked further than that.

So there I was on the side of the road looking up at my sign in disgust and a little depressed. So I got out my guidebooks and my maps and I recounted every fucking kilometer I’ve walked since September sixth.

It didn’t add up – my calculations and the official fucking road sign didn’t match.

And then an elderly man walked passed me, stopped, and asked why I was so upset. When I explained my mathematical meltdown he said, “Ahhhh pay no attention to that, it’s just a sign, it doesn’t mean a thing.”

Here are my stats

15.2 Miles Marched Today

(Boadilla del Camino – Carrion de los Condes)

233.3 Miles Traveled So Far

272.5 Miles Left To Go

505.8 Total Miles to walk from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain

PS – My math is right!! The road doesn’t follow the Pilgrim’s Way! Yay!

Tomorrow: Still on the “Meseta” –

Destination: Sahagun

My Camino: Day 14 – Blisters and Car Thieves

When I was a mere child of 30, I worked in New York City for one of the local television stations – it was a great job, perhaps my favorite, and it prepared me well for this 500 mile hike across Spain.

The newsroom was full of daily drama and bigger than life personalities – on and off air. Drugs and booze were rampant, sex and love affairs were common place. Those of us who worked there during that time felt invincible – on top of the world! It was New York Fucking City – and we owned it!

I remember talking with one of the news editors – he was from Brooklyn before Brooklyn was Brooklyn – and he told me his car had been broken into – THIRTY times – 30fucking times!!!????

Freddie, I said, “what the fuck?!” Can’t the police / mayor / anyone do anything?””

I mean what the fucking fuck! I was beyond outraged. I was a girl from Colorado and we believe in law and order. It was time to call in the sheriffs and fucking hang those sonofabitches – I mean c’mon!

“Whatchagonnado!!?,” he said with a shrug and he changed the subject.

Whatchagonnado is fucking brilliant. I love that phrase. I mean really Whatchagonnado. Life is too short, too precious to worry about shit that regularly happens. Save the anger, the fights for something that’s really worthy of a fight.

And that’s how I felt this morning when I woke up with two enormous blisters on my feet.

Whatchagonnado! I’ll tell you Whatchagonnado – I’m gonna walk – I’m not going to let these blisters prevent me from doing what I want to do!

Any sane person would have called a doctor, a cab, or taken a rest day … but not moi!

So out the door I went, joining the other pilgrims who got up at the friggin’ crack of dawn to continue our march to Santiago de Compostella.

As we snaked our way out of Castrojeriz, we were greeted with a treat from Mother Nature – fog was rolling in and it was trapped below the hills-it was ethereal and a cruel joke. Because just as we got bored by the magnificent view – there on the horizon was today’s challenge; a gravity defying climb that went up, up, up, and UP!

The signs were not for the timid! Twelve percent incline – 12 fucking %! The steepest interstate in Colorado maxes out at eight percent and the warning signs along I-70 for drivers are legendary.

Eight percent – psssh, child’s play.

I climbed. I put one foot in front of the other. And then I repeated it until I was on top looking down!

And once there I was looking around for someone-anyone-to chest bump! I felt like I had just caught the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl! It was exhilarating- I was beyond pumped, surely my fellow pilgrims felt the same – surely they were into a little chest bumping action – but I was surrounded by the stoic Scots, the wise Welsh, the Germans, Swedes and the Korean gang – no one shared my American celebratory spirit.

So I took a selfie and set off for the descent.

Hold the fucking phone!

The incline to go down was 18% – that’ll blow out any flip flops even the expensive Tommy Bahama ones!

I slalomed my way down – shooshing down as if I were riding the bumps of a ski resort. One crazy Korean walked backwards – the entire way.

Walking downhill is much, much worse for me than climbing up. My knees were screaming and swearing at me, threatening to give out with every step.

But they didn’t.

My knees, legs and feet made it up and down today’s killer challenge.

Before I knew it I was once again walking along the farm fields, the empty fields, the endless fields, and rocking out to The Boss, enjoying my own “Badlands” and grateful for not letting two blisters, each the size of a half dollar – stop me!

I guess blisters, thieves and other hiccups will happen in life but Whatchagonnado, right!!? I choose to walk!

Here are my stats

11.87 Miles Marched Today

(Castrojeriz – Boadilla del Camino)

216.30 Miles Traveled So Far

289.5 Miles Left To Go

505.8 Total Miles to walk from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain

Tomorrow: Still on the “Meseta” – Destination: Carrion de los Condes

My Camino:Day 13 – No Secrets on the Camino

A very peculiar thing is happening up and down the Camino – folks who don’t know each other are sharing the most intimate stories- AND I mean intimate.

Deb from Maine tells me she starts everyday with a cup of coffee so that she can have a successful bowel movement. We’re 13 days into this march to Santiago de Compostella and luckily for her, she’s as regular as a Rolex watch.

Not so for Stefan! Poor guy hasn’t had a salad in two weeks and he’s more backed up than the Garden State Parkway on a summer weekend. Lucky for him, the local pharmacies are great here – they’ve heard it all and seen it all.

I went to a local one yesterday to get new shoe insoles – this place was like a room at Versailles.

There were beautiful bottles lining the wooden shelves – each an antique and each for a specific medicine or herbs.

The ceiling had a hand-painted fresco that was awe-inspiring and soothing.

Looking up to the pharmaceutical heavens, I knew I was in good hands.

Nope.

My new insoles have given me blisters the size of half dollars on both of my fucking feet.

I hobbled for 19 miles today, terrified to look at my feet or to stop.

And these new war wounds are just the latest direct hits my feet are taking.

The Way is waylaid with the walking wounded.

I passed Ana from Argentina and she was in terrible shape – even worse than me and she’s only 32! She has a major case of shin splints. I gave her some ibuprofen and some electrolytes, and loaned her my walking poles so she could roll them up and down on her shins.

Road side health care is part of the Camino community- everyone has an ache, pain and complaint – AND everyone has a cure.

And that’s the way it’s always been here on the Camino. The path is lined with ruins of former hospitals, convents, and monasteries that have treated the sick and dying since the Middle Ages.

I find some comfort in my discomfort knowing that thousands have come before me feeling my pain and worse.

Tonight, I managed to walk down to the cellar of my hotel before dinner to have a glass of wine with some new Peregrinos. We had never met but they saw the agony I was in, and they shared their best wishes and experiences that have worked for them. Which of course immediately began led to “The Great Debate: Pop Um or Don’t Pop Um.”

Now I’m having this conversation with six very posh Blokes – all from England. When it comes to DaFeet – seems no pilgrim will be defeated!

Blister liquid, gas pains, bowel movements are not the sort of topics I can see Wills and Kate having over drinks.

But here on the Camino – we have no secrets, we’re in this together. If one of us is plugged up and in need of the magic bullet, or another one needs some amateur podiatrist advice and care – well, as they say, The Camino Provides.

Here are my stats

19 Miles Marched Today

(Tardajos to Castrojeriz)

204.43 Miles Traveled So Far

301.37 Miles Left To Go

505.8 Total Miles to walk from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain

Tomorrow: Still on the “Meseta” – Destination: Boadilla del Camino

My Camino: Day 12-Have a Rest Spain, I Can Fix All Your Problems

It’s Sunday here in Spain, the official day of rest and my second rest day as I attempt to complete the Camino Frances – a 500-mile walk across Spain.

I’m resting up in Burgos, one of Spain’s jewels – rich in religious architecture, especially its extraordinary Gothic cathedral – a majestic masterpiece that towers over the city and can be seen for miles and miles.

I’m sitting in the main plaza not far from the tomb of the city’s most roguish son, El Cid, and I’m enjoying the house Rioja – and I’m inspired – I’ve come up with a plan to save Spain!

After nearly a decade of economic crisis, Spain’s economy is finally growing again, but they still need my help.

To begin …. Make less spectacular churches. Seriously make ’em smaller and tell your faithful to have faith that they’ll be bigger one of these days. Why spend all that money and all those years building churches that look like they were made out of icing? And why make churches that last for 900+years, we’re now living in a disposable society – just give your tourists a set of virtual reality goggles and let them think they are seeing something remarkable.

Stop all this Camino nonsense. Really, only 250,000 people a year do it. Build a Minecraft “Camino” game and you’ll reach millions – and then you won’t have to maintain all those paths with glorious bronze shells and yellow signs marking the way – PLUS, just think, none of your townsfolk (from the elderly to the those little tykes on their razor scooters) will have to smile and say, “buen Camino” to all those passing strangers – think of how cold, and heartless, and MODERN your society could be.

And all that stamping the pilgrims “passports” nonsense – stop that immediately -OR- at least charge people to have their credentials stamped as proof that they walked the walk. Those gloriously designed stamps are worth money – they’re the ultimate souvenir so make those pilgrims pay for it!

Your bread can make French baguettes blush, so do what we would do in America – cut them in half, freeze, then microwave them the next day – and charge double. Why should anyone have freshly made bread – the size of a giant’s knuckle – with the crispiest crust, yet light as air, for mere pennies? You’re missing out on a lot of dough …

Get over your Italian inferiority complex. Your food, wine and long legged women are world class. I’m convinced I’ve seen Penelope Cruz in every town I’ve visited, or maybe it’s just that all the women look like her.

Start charging more for your hotels. Seriously $56/night for a four star hotel in the middle of your tourist destinations-build a Trump Tower and charge $1999/night it’ll be uuuuuge!

Don’t let tourists take up your outdoor tables relaxing for hours drinking only water, coffee or wine! Get em in and get em out. Those plaza views are priceless-charge ’em buy the hour and bug them every minute by asking, “can I bring you anything else?” – oh and definitely hand them the bill immediately, don’t let them daydream hours away, basking under your glorious sun for hours.

Start importing your fruits and vegetables from California. No one should be able to walk along farm fields and each fresh produce for nada! Oh, and make sure your peaches, plums and nectarines aren’t ripe – no fruit should burst with such flavor that people lick their hands for every last drop.

Your lifestyle, really??? Work doesn’t start until 10am? And you have a two-hour lunch…. with… your family and friends? What’s up with that?!!!! You gotta rewrite your labor laws! 12-14 hour days, no lunch, no dinner breaks, and trim that six-week vacation down to 10 days a year! Your employees will love you for it. Productivity, heart attacks, depression, and divorces will soar!

While we’re at it-knock off this afternoon siesta shit! I mean really closing down from 2-4pm to escape the heat, be with your family, or recharge the batteries. Open up your stores, restaurants and offices 24/7 that’s the modern way – how do you think you’re going to compete with Starbucks or Amazon? Why should tourists have to sit down and relax while your entire country is relaxing? You’re losing 10 billable hours a week every fucking week – my arteries are clogging just thinking of this.

Definitely show less passion. No one needs to see your lovebirds smooching in the sun drenched plazas – tell ’em to get a room – or get a job.

Spain, you could be a great country if you just changed everything

Or maybe, yes I’m pretty sure about this – you already know you’re a great country and you’re not gonna change one itsy bit!

Muchas Gracias!

Here are my stats

No Miles Marched Today-Resting

141.9 Miles Traveled So Far

363.9 Miles Left To Go

505.8 Total Miles to walk from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Santiago, Spain

Tomorrow: Back on the Camino – Destination: Castrojeriz